Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
