and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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