I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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