Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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