there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
