don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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