I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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