So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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