went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
