my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
