I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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