im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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