White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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