I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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