I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
