I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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