Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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