I think I won the penis lottery.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
