The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Randomize
