you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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