i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
