Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
