life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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