dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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