theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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