dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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