When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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