who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
