it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
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its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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