Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
