She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
