you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
