FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
