O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
