Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
