Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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