Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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