there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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