is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
