they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
