I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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