Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think im going to throw up on grandma
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
