Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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