nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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