so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
i think im in europe. pls send help
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
