If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Randomize
