We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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