good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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