Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
