Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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