you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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