My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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