insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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