I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
