I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
