goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
