I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
